I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The best revenge is premature balding
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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