I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
