and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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