i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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