I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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