where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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