I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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