i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
