things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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