hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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