I'm pants shitting drunk right now
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
