My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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