We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
