I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
