Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
