My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
