he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
