I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
