I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My vagina just recognized that song.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
