I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
