I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
