i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize