so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
