Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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