he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize