somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
