I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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