If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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