I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
