Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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