The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
