Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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