I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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