I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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