it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
