First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
