Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
