I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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