My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wear drunk well.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize