Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
