I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
