What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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