my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
