Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
