My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
that may or may not have been my penis.
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