proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
