my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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