I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
