Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize