remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
