I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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