I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
