So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
