He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize