You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize