My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
