There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize